You guys should know that this is the second draft of a blog post I started last night. Or rather, this morning. At 2am. Seriously. The house was quiet. The baby had no immediate need of me. And while all the books tell you to “sleep when he sleeps,” unfortunately, those books offer no advice for those of us whose creative juices only kick in after 11pm. (Why, Lord, why?)

I really wanted to show you all a custom piece I had designed for a client this past fall. (I know, I know, FALL was a while back. I had a baby. Give me a break.) But the words were forced and I wasn’t feeling it. Perhaps I don’t do my best writing in the wee morning hours. Sketching, maybe. (If I can still figure out what it is the next day.) Instead, I got up from my computer without hitting “publish” and hopped in the shower. (I do my best thinking in the shower.) I mentally surveyed the scene: everyone is quiet. It’s late. I’ve stayed up WAY past everyone else. I didn’t publish the blog post. What in the WORLD do I have to show for this sacrifice of sleep? I’d love to say I finished my collection and TA DA here it is–> PUBLISH!

And the crowd goes wild!!

Not so much.

So then those toxic thoughts start. Maybe they never really leave.

“You just wasted a ton of time.”

“You’re going to be worthless tomorrow for your family.”

“You really aren’t inspired.”

“You need to hurry up and design something because someone else will do it if you don’t.”

The results? Panic. Self-doubt. Worthlessness.

And you know? As I write this, and as I see it on the screen in front of me, I KNOW that’s not the Lord telling me those things. Creativity is from Him, the Creator.

So what do I do? I can’t control when the creative juices are going to hit. Probably not at the perfect intersection of B’s naptime, a clean house, crock pot crocking bliss, and a new InDesign document just awaiting a colorful life. Nope.

I ask again, what do I do? Maybe this is more of a prayer. Because I’m just telling y’all my struggle here. I have no idea.

Lord, you give us creative desires, because you are the source of creativity. You give us good gifts. Please forgive me when I try and control my time, when I panic. When I assume that one little bump on the radar means I’m doomed to fail. Forgive me for believing the lies. Always believing the lies instead of your truth. Show me where to focus my depleted energy- and fill me up to do Your good work. Thank you for creating colors and flowers and people and weddings and everything else that is beautiful. Amen.